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As the Covid crisis continues to take its financial toll on the nation, lawmakers gathered Wednesday to pass a new economic stimulus package designed to help struggling Americans maintain their drastically reduced quality of life. 

“We realize that people probably wanted actual money. But last time, we gave everyone $1200, and most people frivolously spent it on things like rent and mortgage payments, knowing full well that they would just have to do it again next month,” explained House Finance Committee chairman Mike Oxley. “So this time around, we opted for a more sustainable solution that gives people essential items they can actually use during these trying times — things like a book of crossword puzzles, a 40 oz. container of Colt 45, a Furby, a $3 Starbucks gift card, and most importantly, a tent.” 

Co-chair Barney Frank lauded the new stimulus package as a bipartisan victory in a press conference held this morning. “The tent, especially, is going to come as such a relief to millions of Americans at risk of losing their housing. We wanted to give people a portable dwelling alternative that also allows for relocation to more economically robust job markets. The exciting reality is that we’re moving from a gig economy to a gypsy economy, and the mass distribution of tents is a key step in facilitating that transition. We will also be offering federal subsidies to banks offering yurt mortgages to pregnant millennials with a debt-to-income ratio of 11-1 or above.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi noted that the stimulus package also addresses the emotional impact of the Covid crisis. “For high-risk populations such as the elderly, the loneliness and isolation of extended quarantine poses very real mental health threats. But recent studies have shown that a rich and fulfilling relationship with a Furby provides over 15% of the psychosocial benefits of real person-to-person interaction. And another study showed that 85% of test subjects 12 and older reported feeling “friggin’ great” one hour after drinking malt liquor. So from a numbers standpoint, this is a combination statistically guaranteed to get all Americans back to 100% happiness.”

But the new stimulus package is not without its critics. During debates on the House floor, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez took issue with, among other things, the potential cardiac and criminal ramifications of drinking coffee and malt liquor simultaneously. Thwarting arguments that “it’s fine cuz they’ll just cancel each other out,” Ocasio-Cortez cited her experience as a former Bronx bartender — “Yeah. Sure. Go ahead. Give a hammered tent-dweller a free shot of espresso and see how that works out for you.”

Ocasio-Cortez did say she was in support of distributing crossword puzzle books, half-stating, half-sighing, “…Anything to make America smart again.”